Life Change for the Better!

Well,  I did it!  And sooner than expected too!  I underwent bariatric surgery.  Some people would say that it’s the “easy”  way out of diet and exercising.  Let me first to tell you…  It is NOT easy and in fact this is probably the hardest route to take.  I’ve been on a liquid diet for almost 1 month now.  It has been hell,  but to see results on the scale is so rewarding!  I have my follow up appt today so I am hoping that I can move on to pureed food.  Any of you that know me very well understands that I never really had much a weight problem before getting Lyme disease.  When I got sick,  it has pretty much taken my life away from me,  especially what I love doing which is being active and participating in every sport or event I can.  But with chronic pain, you can hardly do anything and it’s sad when you can’t walk around a store anymore or something simple as taking a shower.  Well that being said,  I needed help to conquer my goal and boost self esteem and confidence.  This was the hardest decision but the best decision I’ve made. It’s going to be hard and every day will have its own struggles,  but I’m so excited to see what will happen next! Thank you to my supporters!

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One Step Closer To My Goal!

A lot of crazy stuff going on lately.  Going to Dr’s appts.. Confusion with paperwork, more testing and a possible IVF filter implant near my heart to prevent clots during the surgery I will be having around may-ish. I’m so excited I can’t wait for this life changing event! 😄

To continue, I had went to the dentist last week and he fixed 2 teeth.  One had a cavity and the other was severely cracked.  Well they were fixed and look really good, But since then I have a lot of pain in my jaw.  When I called they said it was from the work I had done and hopefully the tooth holds up so I don’t have to get it yanked out. Anyway,  over the weekend I lost a huge filling on the same side but an upper molar.  Turns out they can’t get me in until the beginning of March. Fabulous huh? Calling back today to see if they can get me in sooner. What a pain!

Now that it’s been almost a year that I have had my spinal cord stimulator implanted, it only worked maybe 5 months after getting it in because I can’t get it to charge up.  It’s completely dead, so I called the rep from the company and she said she will talk to my neurosurgeon and see if we can work something out n schedule a surgery to replace it. This time they will implant their new device which is non-rechargable,  so no more worrying about having to charge it! That also means instead of having to replace the internal battery every 10yrs..its roughly 5 years, but to me it will be totally worth it.

Had my procedure on my neck where they inject lidocaine around the nerves in my neck. Ultimately it made no difference for me.  So we decided to do another nerve block on the opposite side.  If that doesn’t work then I think there are only 2 options left to try..
Uh oh! Makes me nervous. 😨

Exhaustion has set in.  Didn’t fall asleep til around 3:30 this morning.  Back to sleep for a bit and hopefully then I can get up to eat a little something.

Physically and Mentally exhausted

Today wasn’t as bad as it normally is. Been doing a lot of research on different things and also helping my dad. I had a huge plan of things I needed to get done today. I think maybe I did 2 things out of the whole list. Needless to say it wasn’t a very productive day. Aidan and I hung out for awhile watching the Pens game. All that went to hell when my bf wouldn’t answer my son. Aidan might have been kidding but I knew deep down he wasn’t sure. He said something along the lines of Kevin hates me. I kept telling him that Kevin adores you. But to prove it I messaged Kevin to see if he would really quick say he didn’t hate him.Now this blew up into a huge argument.He got super irritated and said that he shouldn’t have to say anything bc Aidan should already know. This fight continued the rest of the night until about now when I started typing this. He got so defensive about it and I didn’t understand why. Children need reassurance that they are loved. I just don’t understand why he acted the way he did. I think the fight might have started around 8:30 tonight.. It was insane. I’m just glad it’s over because I get so drained and I sit here literally shaking and stomach in knots. 😥 Not sure how things will go tomorrow as he’s supposed to come over for the weekend. Guess we will find out.

Depression

I’ve been really down lately.  Haven’t wanted to do much of anything with the way I feel and hurt.  Trying to take one day at a time.  The Lyme is really kicking my butt lately.. Physically and mentally.  I’m feeling like I don’t belong and just want to run away and hide where no one can find me. 😟
Working on my specific diet. Was horrible last weekend but I HAVE to get this under control.  Weekdays aren’t bad, the weekends are what is killing me most of the time. It’s hard to do because I have alot of meal prep and most of the time I don’t want to or can’t just stand and cook so I always go for easier options. Still somewhat healthy but could be doing a lot better!  Wish I had someone helping me. It would be so much easier.
In ALOT of pain.  Everything hurts.  That’s nothing new for me but feels more intense and makes me feel sick.  Migraines and nausea. The unrelenting pain is horrible.  I was finally able to get pain meds from my pain mgmt Dr.  It at least takes some of the edge off…  Having pain is the worst.  You hurt,  you feel depressed because you can’t move and when you do move you’re in misery.  Not to mention more irritable towards everyone and it sucks.  Especially for Kevin.  He’s the one that has to deal with me like that and I’m sure it sucks for him.  But I’m so thankful for him and all he does for me. He’s such a wonderful man! I don’t know how I got so lucky. ❤
Hope I start feeling a little better soon. I have a lot going on right now and some big Dr’s appointments coming up as well.  We will see how things turn out.

New Years

A little sigh of relief from stress of the holiday and Aidans birthday. Things went better than I thought they would thank goodness. Now I can relax.  😥

2015 has been hard.  From back surgery, my dad’s health, my birthday sucked hardcore with drama exploding that weekend. The stress from that really got to me badly.  Didnt get to spend thanksgiving with Kevin but at least we had Christmas together and that made me super happy!

My health is still a struggle.  Keeps going downhill little by little. I’ve learned to expect it because nothing really surprises me anymore.  But I really need to accept that this may be how it is for the rest of my life, maybe worse. I need to calm down and just take things one day at a time. Its hard but I have to try. 8 years of this and it’s still hard to accept.

I would like to try to be more optimistic about things for my new years resolution. No matter how much I hurt physically,  mentally,  or emotionally,  I still want to try.  I have some really horrible days, but I need to just take things  a little at a time so I don’t get overwhelmed.

So here’s a start to 2016!! Clean slate and it starts now.

This year will be difficult with big changes but I really hope it’s worth it in the end. Pretty excited about it.. And nervous at the same time.

Christmas Blues

Holidays are extremely hard on me. I get depressed and severely stressed. Main reason is because I have no $ to get people gifts I would love to give. Having no income is horrible. Being sick is horrible too around the holidays.  You want to be able to partake in everything that goes on but you can’t.  For me it’s more physically and not wanting people to see me this way.  Our family doesn’t do much for the holidays anymore.  I want to say that the only reason that things happen is because of Aidan, so celebrating for him of course is a must. His b-day is tomorrow and holy cow!  I can’t believe he will be 11yrs old! Seems like I was still holding him in my arms. Growing up way too fast!  So proud of the little man he’s becoming.  🙂
I have made a decision as far as my health and body are concerned.  Nothing for the Lyme yet but still trying to work on that. But I know a lot of people may disagree with this decision..  But I think it will be good… An extremely hard road but it will be worth it in the end.  Not quite ready to announce it yet.. But in due time.  🙂
As far as my back goes,  I still have not been able to get the stimulator in my back charged yet…  I have a feeling I’ll be having another surgery for that.  In Jan I will be having a procedure done on my neck.  Hope all of this will work itself out.  One day at a time right? Im ready to take on the new year and hopefully make some progress with everything. All exciting but scary at the same time.

Thanks! And Merry Christmas!

Stuck in a Rut..

Needless to say,  the past 2 months from beginning October til now, have been hell for me. October 4th was my bday…  Had a lovely present of Kevin’s parents being completely immature assholes about shit.  All of a sudden they were ignoring me while I was there on the weekends. Saying I don’t do this or that when I have offered MANY times to help but his mom would always say no its OK. Some times I would spend a week there bc I loved watching ppv wrestling with them.  And come to find out they would bitch when I would have to go back upstairs n rest during the day bc of my fatigue and falling asleep sitting upl.  Oh!  The big one was Kevin doing laundry for us. They hated the fact that Kevin was doing my laundry.  That’s fn childish to get upset about sumthing so stupid.  Kevin loves doing things for me and if it makes him happy I’ll let him but to have his parents say I’m lazy n do nothing is absolute bs.  Ignorant asses saying “Oh u r not that sick,  blah blah blah “…  Well let me tell you,  Lyme kicks ur damn ass constantly! And to have other health issues on topof that,  I’m glad I can still walk and not bed bound by now.  By commenting and posting childish things to my Fb is very rude… Post random pictures, for example, of soldiers that lost limbs in war..and other no so nice things. The pictures of ppl that still function despite their issues.  Psshhh!  I would love nothing more than to be physically active again! But unfortunately that may nvr happen.  Bc Lyme kills ur joints,  muscle,  bone..etc…the profound fatigue and pain is unbearable.  If I didn’t have the pain, or if it’d even lighten up and the fatigue, it would definitely be a bit easier to handle this better but the fatigue n pain will nvr get much better since I have so much damage throughout my back.  And to think I actually called them family?  Really? Yeah that’s not family.  That might be their own fucked up family but not mine…  So they need to leave me the hell alone from now on bc I won’t tolerate such childish bs.  I have way too much on my plate and stressed enough about others things to deal with that bs too. It’s made Kevin n I argue a lot about that situation and I’ll be damned if it tears us apart.
Then the scare with my dad almost dying.
Then Kevin and I trying to figure out when to go on the weekends n still try to save up $.
All the fighting at home.
Not being able to do Thanksgiving with Kevin bothered me alot.
Dealing with new meds and just alot of worrying.

The good points have been:
Kevin! He is my world and my rock. Without him I would die.
Knowing how his parents truly are and now don’t have to deal with the bs anymore.
I gotten to see both my brother and my niece Sydney. I miss them so much!
Halloween was a blast with aidan and Kevin.
My Dr. Appt today and Can’t wait for stuff to just fall into place.
Thanksgiving was nice with the fam and aunt Nina. 🙂

Those r at least some good points. And I have huge plans for next year and I can’t wait!

Just a little cathartic release

I know it’s the wee hours of the morning.  Have not been able to sleep yet.  Last night I was incredibly bothered with some issues I’ve been going through lately with the boyfriend.  It has upset me greatly and has caused alot of tension and anxiety for me.  We’ll work through it I’m sure. Just right now it’s so difficult for me to cope with things.  Being bombarded with all this stuff all at once,  you can only take so much before you Crack and break down.

What really got to me this week was that I had an appointment with my pain mgmt Dr,  which is a 2 hr drive.  We got all the way there to see a note on the door that said they were closed that day!  Now,  I called the main  office and they told me that my Dr was no longer there and that the other Dr’s are all on “vacation”.  We all know that a load of crap.  Well,  while I was sitting in the lobby just hanging up my phone call with them, This other girl comes over and asks to sit next to me. She also got to the pain mgmt office and saw the note on the door.  Obviously something is wrong because we never got a msg to reschedule or anything like that.  I was livid bc of how far we had to drive.  And she was severely upset too so we vented for a bit.  There was nothing we could do but reschedule.  Get this though..  I’m 2hrs away and they wanted me to come back the next day for an appointment! They don’t realize I have to find rides for these appointments so I can’t just up and go whenever I feel like it.  Next appointment now is in a few weeks.  I still haven’t  been able to charge up my neurotransmitter in my back and the steroid injections in my neck didn’t help whatsoever.  So,  I don’t really know what the next step is at this point.  I also had to call orthopedics for my shoulder since it’s been hurting a lot more lately.  Seems like one thing right after another. I know I’ll get through it but when is enough is enough? Gets real old and depressing after awhile.

There’s my rant for the night. Thanks for listening 🙂

I’m Back Finally!

It has been a couple years since I have written here. So much has happened during then.  Rough relationships, family issues,  and alot of health issues to name a few.

I went from being completely betrayed and used by my ex for a 2nd time.  I know,  shouldn’t have gone back.  It was a huge blow to me and I felt so stupid to believe all his lies and deceit. Needless to say,  I am in a relationship with my best friend and soulmate.  Kevin,  makes me whole again.  He put the pieces of my broken heart back together.  I have never been in a relationship where someone has loved me like I do them.  And I am so grateful for not having to worry bout things and drama,  etc..   I mean we have our days and little tiffs,  but we get through it together.  ❤ we have known each other since high school.  I guess it was only a matter of time that we got together and that was the best decision I ever made. He is absolutely the best thing that has happened to me. Been together officially for a year and 5 months now. Finally a good and positive relationship.  🙂

Been super stressed about family issues.  Stressed because there’s a lot of arguing and fighting.  But there’s nothing I can do about it.  I just can’t dwell about it like I’ve been.  My parents health has me so anxious.  I worry constantly about them and with the last episode my dad had, I totally freaked out.  I’m usually very good in emergency situations,  but I lost it seeing him like that. 😥 I’m just so glad everything is okay now.

And as for my health,  we have to go back awhile. I had a bad car accident because I fell asleep driving.  I fractured my back around the T12 vertebra.  And herniated disks around my L4 and L5.  It was horrific pain.  I had to go home and do rehab and wait for the swelling to go down before they would perform surgery on me.  That was about a month later when I finally did have my herniated disk repaired.  That was such a long recovery process and needless to say in alot of pain.  About a year or so later,  I had surgery to place a spinal cord stimulator in my spine permanently to help with the pain.  Currently,  I’m having issues charging my stimulator.  I see pain management,  and have found out I have severe nerve damage.  I have disk degeneration.  Stenosis and bone spurs.  Alot of fun things. *eye roll*  Other things include having a hysterectomy,  issues with my blood thinners,  steroid injections,  shoulder is acting up again.  Same type of pain I had before my prior shoulder surgery in 2008. ALOT of joint pain,  muscle and bone pain. More arthritis,  Severe stomach issues, horrible fatigue,  bouts of cycling anxiety and depression,  a few falls and injuries. That’s the short list. Yes alot of things have to do with the Lyme, and no I haven’t been able to start treatment for it again. Still waiting on insurance so I can possibly get back to my Lyme Dr.  Good news,  I met a few people who have Lyme as well. My closest friend is Sandy.  🙂 She’s a wonderful person and lives pretty close by. I am so happy that I have met her. I just don’t understand how we are all still neglected by Dr’s about this. It seems like the controversy should have ended by now.  Unfortunately it is not even close to ending. I have received  a lot of flack from certain people thinking this is fake and I’m just lazy.  Are you kidding me?!  Who would honestly fake this shit?? Why would you want to just do nothing,  go to Dr’s all the time, and fake being sick constantly? Oh yeah,  that’s right.. No one!  When you go from being active and an athlete and on the go all the time to illness and fatigue to the point you can’t get out of bed on some days… It sucks a lot and that my friend is far from being fake. I want nothing more than to have my old life back. I know that won’t ever happen but for some reason it’s very hard for me to accept that fact.  There needs to be more awareness and people need to have compassion when we are all sick ill,  and basically having a death sentence.  It’s not a matter if you die, it’s a when you’ll die.  No treatment = death.

 Anyway,  I think I shared enough for tonight. Thank you for listening and catching up on parts of my life.  I will get back to keeping you all updated on my Lyme issues.  Love you all! Goodnight.

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Need Input…

The past week has been absolute hell for me….all sorts of symptoms manifesting. My mood has been horrible, been really up and down a lot. A lot of crying episodes too. Feeling a lot of despair. This disease really messes with my mind and I can see how the drs I have right now think that a lot of my symptoms are just in my head. They don’t understand that it’s because of the physical symptoms that I get depressed and anxious. I feel despair because I want to be able to go out and do what normal people do but I can’t physically and that is really disheartening. What is a person to do?? How do you deal with that?

I was up long enough to have a quick appt and to do blood work today. The appt wasn’t a drs appt or anything. The blood work today was super important since my neurologist is testing for numerous things Ive been wanting them to look for (fingers crossed). I went right back to sleep as soon as I got home. Slept most of the day…completely exhausted. I did have a bad night of sleep last nite though. Had some night terrors along with sleep paralysis…been a couple weeks since that has happened and I thought the new meds would help with that. Does anyone else experience the night terrors and sleep paralysis? What do you do to get rid of it? It’s scary and makes me afraid to sleep. Any feedback would be wonderful. Thanks!